WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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