Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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