oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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