apparently the secret to your success is patron
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
