Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
