There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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