I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
