Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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