my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
