I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
