I accidentally had phone sex last night
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
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