OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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