Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
