I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
