Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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