I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
