I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
