I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Im part way to drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
