Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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