nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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