You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
