but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
