i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
Randomize
