I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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