hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
