i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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