Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
