i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
