one two three fourrrrnication!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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