I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
