also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize