dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
