He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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