someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
