I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
