Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
