I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
