I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
