he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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