Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
