i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
