the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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