You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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