I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
