Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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