She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
