I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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