A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
