my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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