i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
