...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
