i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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