..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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