Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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