I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
