Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
