so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
