this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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