my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
