Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
