Moan for me like Helen Keller
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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