Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
