Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How's work?
Spinning.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
