whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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