Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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