You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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