FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize