Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
