I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
