I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
