Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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