it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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