My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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