i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
ugly people sure do ruin things
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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