Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
