I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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