You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
