I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
