tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
