You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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